Maria discusses how her anger and lack of patience was one of the first signs that something was wrong.
It wasn’t normal because my first baby was a highly demanding baby, now I know that. But back then I didn’t know, I thought all the babies are like this because I didn’t have any reference, right? so now I know that my first baby was a highly demanding baby.
They both had, they both were colicky babies. The first one for four months, the second, the girl, for three months and my, I breast fed both babies for twenty months each. And so the second time around with my baby girl, it was like around six, seven months old, she was like around six months old and I started to realize that I was very, I was getting very impatient with her because I was exhausted.
At least when I had the first one and he was highly demanding, at least every time he slept I was sleeping. And this, in this case, the second time around that didn’t happen, right? Because when she was sleeping I have to take care of the, the two year old toddler. And, and so I started to notice that I was very short temper with both of them and very impatient, very intolerant. And also every time, this was escalating. And I, I realized that I was starting to be out of control of my emotions.
That was like the key for me, like this is just going out of my hands. And I talked a lot with my mum, by phone and I remember she saying: I can, I can feel how you’re feeling because I can hear in your voice and I can feel like you cannot breathe. You’re like agitated, you’re like. Because I was feeling like I was going down to a hole and like, like nothing, like I couldn’t get any kind of help. Even though I was, I knew was, my husband was very supportive I think we got to a point where we didn’t, we didn’t, we didn’t know what was going on.